Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.