Why do we never tell jokes about pizza?
They’re too cheesy.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.
What kind of button won't unbutton? A bellybutton!
Where does bad light go? PRISM!
What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?
Knot bad
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
How do you make an Octupus laugh? With ten-tickles
What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup? Firecrackers!
What did one wall say to the other wall?
"I’ll meet you at the corner!"
What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A turkey!
Which is the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
Learning how to collect trash wasn’t hard.
I just picked it up as I went along.
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
What did the sink say to the potty?
You look flushed!
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
How do you know when a bike is thinking?
You can see its wheels turning.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.
What do you call a European Bigfoot?
Bigmeter.
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!
What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me and we will go places!
What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead and I'll hang around!
What do you call a window that raps? 2PANEZ
Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships
Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock!
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
What do you call a gangsta snowman? Froze-T
Q: What did the dentist get for an award?
A: A little plaque
What runs but can't walk? The faucet!
Why can't you take a nap during a race? Because if you snooze, you loose!
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
They’re always stuffed!
What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Q: What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
A: I hear the doctor is taking us out tonight!
What did the leopard say after eating his owner? Man, that hit the "spot."
What do you call a very religious person that sleep walks? a Roman Catholic
What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? Nobody nose.
What the difference between you and a calendar? a calendar has dates.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? He wanted to get to the bottom.