What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
Why should you take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains!
Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: He was feeling really crumbie!
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? An offer you can't understand.
Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?
Because it has rust issues!
What did the tailor think of her new job? It was sew sew.
What do you call the new girl at the bank? The Nutella!
Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: To get a root canal.
Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters barbie dolls? A. It was a Barbie-
Did you hear about the hairdresser? She dyed.
What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter? Jellyfish!
What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
What pet makes the loudest noise? A trum-pet!
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's the one rated Arrrr!
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
PRIME-mates.
Why did the two 4's skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).
Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school? Because they're all in High School!
Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress? They got married in the spring.
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
What's easy to get into but hard to get out of? Trouble
Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants!
Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.
What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance.
What do kids play when they can’t play with a phone?
Bored games.
How did the baby tell her mom that she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail.
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.
What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George? 2 Fast 2 Curious
Why did the log fall into a creek? Because that's how it ROLLS!
What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer? Arriba McEntire.
Q: When does a doctor get mad?
A: When he runs out of patients!
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon? Bridge over troubled water.
What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup? Firecrackers!
Q: What does a dentist do during an earthquake?
A: She braces herself!
What four letters will frighten a burglar? O I C U Where does bad light go? To prism!
What's the first bet that most people make in their lives? the alpha bet
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you'll rise and shine!
What did Delaware? a New Jersey
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”
Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.
Dark, isn’t it?
What do you call a horse that can't lose a race? Sherbet
Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job? Because she couldn't control her pupils?
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A turkey!