My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.