I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.