What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.