What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
Call me a pirate and give me that booty.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
The only type of cookies a cookie monster loves to eat during Halloween is Ghoul Scout Cookies.
If there’s an invasion army of endless flies attacking, who you gonna call?
The fly S.W.A.T. Team!
Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
What did the witch say to people who visited her house?
Come sit for a spell!
What’s the difference between a comma and a cat?
One has the paws before the claws, the other has the clause before the pause.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
A vampire returned a mirror to my shop the other day. It wasn't faulty or anything, he just said he couldn't see himself using it.
Why haven't the aliens visited earth yet?
They read the reviews... only one star.
It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.
"How does it feel?"
she asks what.
"To be the only star in the sky.'
Hey girl, are you looking for your knight in shining armor?
Well I just happen to be wearing the full armor of God.
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Bi son!
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Why was Pegasus such a good ballerina?
He was flo-wing.
How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
Is that a telescope in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
What did the flower say to his wife when he brought her home a present?
I hope thistle cheer you up.
My foot isn't the only part of me that's lucky!
Half of Italy is complaining about the coronavirus and the other half is laughing not taking it seriously.
All they do is cheese and wine.
Donating blood can be A-positive experience
But sometimes it can B-negative.
What type of tree can be put inside your hand? A palm tree.
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
Where do sharks go on vacation?
Fin-land.
Why were the two retinas such good friends?
They always saw eye-to-eye.
Are you a flower? Because I fell in love with you once and floral.
Set or be set. This is certainly the right way to look at things.
While walking down the plains of the river, I lost my footing and got hit on my head. Now my head is swimming.
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
Hey girl, are you Morphine? 'Cause, you take my pain away.
Hi! Tell me a funny story about your dog. I know you've got one.
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.
What do athletes drink before games? Sport-Tea.
What is the difference between a Yankees fan and a dentist?
One roots for the Yanks, and the other yanks for the roots. OUCH.
There was so much crackling on the line, I thought a pig was disturbing the phone.
What did you call an awesome geologist? A rockstar!
What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!
What is American football called in other countries?
30.48 cm ball.