“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.